Talking About Hate and Violence With Your Children



photo of boy hugging his mom
Photo by nappy on

It seems like on an almost daily basis a new major  tragic event takes place in the world.  Remember children are aware of what is happening in the world around them, parents shouldn’t assume that children are unaffected by global events. When frightening and violent incidents occur, such as school shootings, both children and adults may experience a range of emotions including fear, confusion, sadness and anger.

To counteract fear and give reassurance, parents, teachers and day care providers can provide opportunities for children to express how they feel and channel their feelings into positive actions.

. Prepare

In order to provide the reassurance and guidance children need, adults should first come to terms with their own feelings. Explore and discuss with other adults your own feelings and perceptions. You should also  recognize that your past experiences may influence how you look at current situations.

Be Alert

Be alert to signs of upset in children. These signs may include withdrawal, lack of interest, acting out, fear of school or other activities, or anything that is different  from the child’s usual behavior.


  • Listen carefully in order to learn what  your children know and are thinking.
  • Treat all children’s questions with respect and seriousness; do not ignore or dismiss children.
  • Clarify children’s questions so that you can understand what is being asked, what has led to the question and how much information a child wants. A child who asks: “Why were those people  attacked?”  may be asking, “Could I or someone I love be hurt in an attack?” A good way to clarify what a child wants to know is to repeat the question to the child; for example, “You’ve been thinking about what happened to those people and why they were attacked? In this way a child can say, “Yes, that is what I’ve been thinking,” or can correct what you said in order to redirect the conversation to something he or she wants to discuss.
  • Sometimes, without repeating the exact words, it is helpful to reflect what you think a child is feeling, as a way of giving a child the opportunity to confirm that you have understood, or to clarify. For example, you can say: “It sounds as if you’re afraid that something like this might happen again.”


  • Review the facts of what actually happened.
  • Reassure children in age-appropriate ways that they are safe. When talking to toddlers, responses can be simple and direct: “I love you and I will always do everything I can to make you safe.”
  • Let children know that many people and organizations are working to make us safe.
  • Reassure children that while there are people who do things that are hard to understand,  the vast majority of the time, we are safe.

Be Honest

  • Answer questions as clearly and honestly as you can, using developmentally appropriate language and definitions. If you don’t know the answer to a child’s question, say so and make a plan to try to find out.
  • Correct yourself if you give incomplete or inaccurate information. Don’t be afraid of making a mistake; when we admit our mistakes, adults model for children how to admit their own mistakes. Be direct about acknowledging mistakes and avoid defensiveness; say, “I made a mistake.”
  • Acknowledge that there are people who hate other people, and that hateful actions can be threatening.

Share Your Perceptions

  • Share your perceptions and feelings but try to avoid conveying hopelessness. Without diminishing the seriousness of a situation, it is important to keep perspective and convey it to children.
  • Avoid giving young children more specific detail than necessary. Be careful not to frighten children. Limit children’s exposure to media coverage of violent events.

Take Action

  • Children need to know that people are not powerless in the face of hate; there are many things children and adults can do.
  • Have regular discussions about ways people can address hate. Brainstorm ways to address these concerns at home, in school and in the community. Examples include speaking out against name-calling, making friends with people who are different from you, learning about many cultural groups and exploring ways to increase intergroup understanding. Discuss specific steps to make these things happen.
  • Help children understand that if hateful words go unchallenged, they can escalate to acts of physical violence. Discuss how hate behaviors usually begin with unkind words. Discuss and practice ways children can challenge name-calling and bullying. Even preschool children can learn to say, “Don’t call him that; that’s not his name!” or “Don’t call her that; she doesn’t like that!” or “Don’t call me that; it’s not fair!”
  • Help children understand that sometimes it might not be safe for them to intervene; teach children to seek adult assistance when someone is being harassed or bullied.
  • Help your children feel good about themselves so that they learn to see themselves as people who can contribute to creating a better world.

The Loss of a Parent

Losing your parent is something which happens eventually to most of us.  It is a huge loss for most people and will take time to move forward.  My mother passed away 1 year ago and it has been difficult but after experiencing all the firsts, such as her birthday,  Mother’s Day and other holidays it has gotten easier and now I can celebrate her life more than mourn her death.

Sometimes losing a parent can feel like losing part of yourself.   It can sometimes feel impossible to cope with life without them.  However getting through this bleak time will prove that you’re stronger than you think you are and you have an inner strength that can help you to overcome grief and smile again.


These steps will help you during this difficult time:

1. Forgive yourself.

When a parent dies, guilt can become a burden because of past arguments you now regret or maybe because you think you didn’t do enough to help them.  Remember no parent/child relationship is perfect and going over negativity from  past will not help you to move forward.  By recognizing the past as something that is finished and unchangeable, you can begin to free yourself from guilt and reflect on the good times instead. The good times are what they would want you to remember.

2. Face your feelings.

Feelings of loss or anger can grow stronger if left unchecked, especially if you’ve never known death so close.  Mindfulness meditation is one way to help understand the flow of these feelings.

3. Keep talking.

The sudden reality of not being able to talk  to your Mom or Dad again is hard  to accept.  For a long time after losing my Mom, I would talk to her even though I didn’t expect an answer it was nice to just get the words out.

4. Look after yourself.

Grief can take its toll  on your body and health in many ways.  Loss of sleep and reduced appetite  are common after losing a loved one.  The remedy is to protect your health and fitness.  Try to go  walking with a friend, eat healthy  food, and stay hydrated. When your body feels healthy, it will often lift your mood and help you cope.

5. Take time out.

During the immediate aftermath, you’ll have an overwhelming to-do list. From making funeral arrangements to addressing legal matters. All of this is physically and mentally exhausting.  It’s important to rest and not feel guilty for taking time off.

6. Be patient.

Missing a parent is natural, and if you were very close, it will take time to adjust.  Time heals the acuteness of pain, but you will continue to miss your parent.   Recovery will happen at its own natural pace.

7. Enjoy precious memories.

There was a time I couldn’t think of my Mom without  crying.   However as time has gone on I’m able to recall the good times we shared and smile rather than cry.  The  time will come when you smile or laugh to yourself when you think of the good times you had with your parents. Let your parent live on in your thoughts, and enjoy seeing them there any time you wish.

Although the death of a parent is considered the natural order of events, it is still a very difficult loss and it’s difficult to get through it.  The steps above will help you to continue to enjoy your life and move forward as you remember your parent.   Remember to live your life with the knowledge that your parents would want you to live a happy and fulfilling life after they’re gone.